Venter
hi
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You
hi there. please share what's on your mind
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Venter
well yeah uhmm do you think I'm a little fucked up that sometimes I'm not 100% ok with my bf's physical appearance? like I really do love him but I still have problems accepting that some aspects of him will never be what I want in a partner
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You
i'm curious how his appearance makes you feel
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particularly when you're otu with friends
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Venter
well he's a little on the shorter side and I have always preferred someone on the taller side
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and sometimes it makes me a little insecure when I'm out with him
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You
insecure in what way? as in you don't feel he could protect you or insecure like other people are judging you
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Venter
I guess people judging us mostly?
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I know that you shouldn't care what other people think
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but I can't help it sometimes
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You
first, I think it's perfectly okay to feel what you feel. i would say it would be abnormal not to have those feelings
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i hear that you are feeling conflicted
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because you obviously care about him
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otherwise you wouldn't be with him
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Venter
oh wow okay because I've been keeping those thoughts to myself for a really long time and I always felt like crap for having them in the first place
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You
maybe i misjudged. do you love him?
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Venter
definitely
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You
great. then i can focus on asking you questions
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about the issue you brought up
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let's do a game of switching shoes
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pretend you are a guy dating an overweight girl
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society says that thin women are desirable and heavy women are not (generally speaking)
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if you saw a thin guy with an overweight girl, what would you think of them?
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Venter
well not the be fucked up but my initial thought would be that's kind of odd but I mean love is love if they're happy together then there shouldn't be a problem
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You
such a great answer!
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here's my thought
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let's say if you saw the two of them, your initial thought might honestly be "oh, that's interesting" or simply "oh"...then when you think a little about it
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you feel happy for them if they're happy
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my point is sometimes we think other people are judging us
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when actually they could be celebrating our love...or just as likely, could care less about you because they have their own life to worry about
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does that make sense?
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Venter
Yeah! It actually really does. Thank you for that 
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But do you think it would be smart to bring it up with him tho? Like do you think he deserves the right to know I've been feeling like this?
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or is it just better to keep it to myself to prevent him having any more insecurities and possibly hurting him in the process?
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You
another great question. first, i imagine that is a challening conversation to bring up for you.
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i'm curious if he's everbrought this topic up with you
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Venter
I think he tried to once but I didn't really want to expand on the topic because I know he's also insecure about his height so I didn't want to lower his self esteem even more
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You
i think that's a good sign
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that he brought it up first
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i can understand why you didn't feel comfortable continuing the conversation because you feared it would "make him feel more insecure"
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in my opinion, the truth is you can't "make anyone" feel anything
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yes, you can help or hurt his self esteem
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but ultimately, it's up to your boyfriend to choose for himself how he feels about his height
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i share this idea because i want you to know that is not your responsibility
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sometimes when someone shares something personal, we feel responsible to make them feel better
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and sometimes we don't want to talk about it because that feeling of responsibility can be too much
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I'm curious, when he initially brought up the topic with you, how did it make you feel?
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Venter
Initially, I felt really bad because it's a feature that he can't really change.
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You
very astute observation. you're right, other than breaking his legs and installing inspector gadget extensions, it's something you both have to accept.
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now when you say "you felt bad"
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what exactly do you mean
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what exactly did you say or not say?
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Venter
Like maybe I also felt a little guilty because I've been carrying those same thoughts since we basically started dating but I chose not to say anything and just keep it to myself
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You
great stuff. thank you for sharing. personally, i think if he feels the same way about you as you do about him. meaning you love him... i think he would really appreciate your honesty
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of course, there's a difference between being honest and being a brute
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the main message you want to convey to him is that you love him
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you asked, "should i bring this up with him"
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at some point, absolutely, in my opinion
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a quality relationship is based on honesty and openness
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you can have a decent relationship keeping this to yourself
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but if you really see a future with him, this conversation needs to happen
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Venter
woooooow I wish I can talk to you about all my problems haha you really bring some eye opening insights
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thank you so much
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You
thank you for the feedback. it makes me feel appreciated
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i'd like to leave with some advice on how you could initiate this conversation
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1) try your best not to worry about his feelings. instead focus on sharing what you're feeling. he's a grown man and will figure out what he's feelings
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2) we have a tendency to worry about how other people will respond. you can't control how he will react. you can only control the words you say and more importantly the intention in which you say it. in this case your intention is...i have something i need to get off my chest and I love you.
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3) yes, bring up your feelings about how his height makes you feel. also share your understanding that ultimately, his height is not something that is a deal breaker for you and share with him at least 3 things that you love about him
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we all need to feel affirmed and worthy of love. again, that's his responsibility, he needs to be able to stand on his own two feet, but you can definitely help. even if you stumble on some words, i think this conversation can bring you two closer. because he will learn that he can trust you
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sorry i need to run, best wishes, friend. i appreciate your honest sharing and my hope is he will too
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Venter
thank you so so so much for your help
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I hope you have the best day
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You
take care
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Your partner has disconnected.
