Tunnel Vision

I realize i have some poor relationship skills that i could do better to improve them. I think I'm sometimes afraid to self examine. It's much easier (not to mention more comfortable) to live in self delusion but i think to be true to oneself is important work.

i had a dream about a truck (a blue green ford ranger to be exact) that had flattened tires and i went to fix it. The truck belonged to a man that didn't really need it and let it fall to pieces. I put gas in the truck and had a mechanic inspect it. Turns out all it needs is a set of new tires! Just when I thought this perfect truck (not too big, not too small) was mine to keep, the owner returned and said otherwise. I was disappointed but in spite I claimed that I didn't need it anyway (which was a lie).

The man's wife invited me up for dinner along with their kids (as a concession I suppose) but I declined stating that I would rather lay down by the lake and take a nap instead (again, out of spite). I woke up feeling shameful of how i behaved in my dream. Am I so defensive in real life? I asked myself. How can I learn to trust better.

woke up from another dream where i was jogging at a really fast clip and feeling really good and woke up wanting to go running. how nice it would be to wake up everyday feeling this inspired.

I wonder if i can recapture my inquisitive nature, a quality i had as a younger person.

i went to climb a tree today and so when i'm bored i like to do it sightless. Using just "feel" i climbed my way on up. when i finally did open my eyes i was amazed at just how far and high I had come. It's interesting how far you can go when you don't focus on falling (my eyes were closed I wasn't thinking about how far i would fall) and just focus on where you want to go.

Live What You Love

I read a great book once when I was depressed, a self-help book, naturally, entitled "Live What You Love" by a married couple named the Blanchards. They are one of my heroes and I, too, want to "Live what I Love." My problem is I love to create but sometimes I get sick of it as well and want to do something else. I've found that the best thing is discipline and also variety.

It is important to keep on going on even when you don't feel like it. Right now my discipline muscles are not well developed. I can only do what I don't want to do and keep my focus on such activities for no more than 30 minutes currently twice a day. So basically, I am a slacker. I "work" about an hour a day and the rest of the time I am doing whatever the hell it is I want. My goal for the end of March is to be able to "work" 45 minutes everyday, twice a day. I'm on target to reach that. Hey, you gotta start small, eh?

Once my discipline matches my dreams I will really go places. So for now, I'm still daydreaming about the following:
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I find that passion and girls and work are all inter-related. Case in point. There are a lot of jobs and girls out there. Each with there perks and minuses. For example one girl could be super pretty but with a short temper. Another could be a whole lot of fun but old enough to be my grandmother. So for the time being we take bits and pieces of what we can and live off that. The goal or my dream I guess is to have the one woman or the one career that fulfills all of my needs.

That would really be something wouldn't it? And to create a life that are all those qualities. It seems all so egocentric. Me, me, me. I wish I could have the things that bring me joy so that I can offer joy back. The ideal would be to do something that brings me joy that also brings others joy. Ah, so idealistic. Is there such a thing? I don't know any other way.
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On the surface I'm funny and always try to make people feel something evoke an emotion I guess, but in private I'm very worried and anxious, desperately, at times trying to figure out how to live my life. When I'm in flow state it's wonderful. I really do enjoy being alive. Oftentimes, however, it seems like a struggle. I wish I could just follow a daily formula. something that proves to work time and time again without fail. Does such a formula exist?

I say that creating is my miracle drug. Sometimes I get burnt out though. For example, I'm working on this blog and reach a point where I feel, okay, that's enough. I don't really want to do anymore. I'd just like to lay down and close my eyes and dream sweet dreams.

Oftentimes this is because some other need has not been met. I'm hungry or feeling neglected. for example, Aubrey is suppose to call me. It's already 4PM and it looks unlikely that she will follow through with what she said. She's probably on the defensive and will write an apology later.

I'll tell you what has worked. On my daylog it reads setting specific goals. My specific goal right now is to crank 7 more minutes of writing. 2nd on things that have worked is the daily adjust. Okay, so here we go. to keep our habits is key yes I agree and creative activity seems to work but at times we don't want to be creative and just want to relax. shall i force myself to create? I'll nap. Napping always seems to give me a boost. listening and grooving to music is only ephemeral and not intrinsic. having a performance day, yes, that is very key. to set specific goals with a deadline that is part of being specific. make it attainable and measurable.

They are playing football as we speak. Damn, the dog farted. something tonight?