July 02, 2008

Longing to Belonging

I've been longing for a feeling of belonging. I am sitting at an Asian supermarket here in Portland at one of the tables they set out for someone to eat at if they bought something from the store and want to enjoy it here. I haven't bought anything from the store yet but i have pretty much learned to freeload any and everything i can in life.

I am writing out of a feeling of disassociation, in terms of the need to belong to someone or some group. My roommate has a hawt girlfriend and they are always laughing and enjoying each other...awww, how sweet...barf! I don't want to see that! Sometimes I hear them giggle behind closed doors and that's when i imagine myself barging in and throwing hot water on them. I dunno if that would take the pain of not belonging to someone away. Would I enjoy it? probably.

So what is it like for a person to uproot himself and be in a place he is not from? Who does he belong to? I guess you could say I still belong to my family, mother father sisters and brothers. More frequent visitation would instill a stronger sense of belonging. I found a subculture of cyclists here in Portland. It basically resembles an audience at a sex pistols or any other punk 80's band concert. I feel a sense of belonging with them.

Went dumpster diving yesterday. Couldn't find any food. My friend, Ryan had done it the day previous and scored 5 bags of sweet rolls. Not 2 or 3, but five. The only thing i got for my troubles was an accidental poke in the finger by a hypodermic needle who knows where it's been (joking).

Sometimes when i go to a new city I always try to find the Asian part of town and go to a Pho restaurant. Always helps to remind me of my mom and home cooking. I remember being in Denver and frequenting the one and only Vietnamese buffet that I have ever encountered. I wonder why they don't do it more often. It was pretty good. You could make bowls and bowls of prepare-it-yourself Pho and bun bo hue. Not bad I would say.

Those are the small gems I enjoy being away from friends and family. But it's also important to not feel like I don't belong. I try to mitigate this pain by writing to friends, text messaging, instant messaging, etc. There is a lonely looking lady eating all by herself across the store from me I can spot her from where I am. Then what appears to be an acquaintance of hers approaches and makes small talk, even pats her on the shoulder and they exchange pleasantries and these gestures make me feel warm inside.

The Vietnamese are so cute with their public displays of affection. Rarely is there hugging or kissing. It's smiles and love taps on the shoulder. Cute. Note to self: try to involve yourself in more love tapping. *ahem*


Anonymous said...

I know exactly how you feel...

Anonymous said...

Oh yes... I know how that feels. :-)