July 22, 2009

Tunnel Vision

I realize i have some poor relationship skills that i could do better to improve them. I think I'm sometimes afraid to self examine. It's much easier (not to mention more comfortable) to live in self delusion but i think to be true to oneself is important work.

i had a dream about a truck (a blue green ford ranger to be exact) that had flattened tires and i went to fix it. The truck belonged to a man that didn't really need it and let it fall to pieces. I put gas in the truck and had a mechanic inspect it. Turns out all it needs is a set of new tires! Just when I thought this perfect truck (not too big, not too small) was mine to keep, the owner returned and said otherwise. I was disappointed but in spite I claimed that I didn't need it anyway (which was a lie).

The man's wife invited me up for dinner along with their kids (as a concession I suppose) but I declined stating that I would rather lay down by the lake and take a nap instead (again, out of spite). I woke up feeling shameful of how i behaved in my dream. Am I so defensive in real life? I asked myself. How can I learn to trust better.

woke up from another dream where i was jogging at a really fast clip and feeling really good and woke up wanting to go running. how nice it would be to wake up everyday feeling this inspired.

I wonder if i can recapture my inquisitive nature, a quality i had as a younger person.

i went to climb a tree today and so when i'm bored i like to do it sightless. Using just "feel" i climbed my way on up. when i finally did open my eyes i was amazed at just how far and high I had come. It's interesting how far you can go when you don't focus on falling (my eyes were closed I wasn't thinking about how far i would fall) and just focus on where you want to go.

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